From darkness to light.

If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, please reach out now. In the US, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), any time, day or night. Outside the US, contact your local emergency number.

Through depression

I didn't even realize I was dealing with depression for most of my life. I just thought I wasn't built for happiness. I'd be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. I felt like I didn't belong, like there was something broken in me that couldn't be fixed. I told no one how I felt. Not even my wife. I hid behind a mask.

When you feel like that long enough, you start to believe it's just "who you are." I wore a smile when I needed to, but inside I was carrying a deep, heavy darkness. And sometimes, that darkness tried to convince me it would be easier to just stop.

The moment everything almost ended

When I was younger, I remember thinking about how I might end my life without it looking like suicide. I didn't want to bring shame to my family. Those thoughts would come and go over the years.

But in 2017, when Anna was pregnant with our second child, the stress from work and life pulled me into one of the darkest seasons I had ever known. One day, driving in my car, I took off my seatbelt, pulled onto a one-way road the wrong way, and started to accelerate into oncoming traffic. I didn't even care who I hurt in the process. That's how numb I had become.

And then, in a way I can't explain, something hit me. A thought slammed into my mind like a freight train: "You can't leave your son (soon to be two) to grow up without a father like you did." I didn't believe in God at the time, but I know now that was Him speaking to me.

I swerved off the road. Cars honked. But I was alive. And for the first time, I wondered if maybe, just maybe, there was another way forward.

The first glimmer of hope

I went to my doctor and admitted some of how I had been feeling. I didn't tell him about the suicide attempt, I was too ashamed, but I was honest enough to start getting help.

Eventually I was diagnosed with ADHD, and when I began treatment, it felt like that scene in Limitless where the world goes from a muted, dull palette to bright and vibrant colors. It was the first time in a long time I thought, maybe things can change.

Not long after, I changed jobs and joined a workplace mindfulness class. I had never even heard of mindfulness before, but it and meditation started to quiet my mind, reduce my anxiety, and help me think clearly.

One day they mentioned a book in class. While looking it up on Amazon, I found a video review by Brian Johnson. That led me to his site, Optimize.me (now called Heroic), and before I knew it, I was spending weekends learning life-changing wisdom I felt I should have been taught in school.

Between meditation, this new learning, and slowly reconnecting to church, I began to feel a spark of faith again. I started to believe that God might actually be real and that maybe He hadn't given up on me.

Learning I wasn't alone

When I joined the Heroic (then Optimize) Coach program, I heard other people talking about depression in ways that mirrored my own experience. For the first time, I realized I wasn't the only one feeling this way. That alone was healing.

I started making small, intentional changes:

• Stopped drinking nightly and binging on TV
• Started meditating daily
• Accepting my thoughts instead of pushing them away
• Exercising and spending more time outdoors
• Eating whole foods instead of whatever came out of a box or bag
• Sleeping more and learning to breathe properly (yes, I even tape my mouth shut at night, and it has been a game changer for sleep quality)

I stopped thinking I had to take life as it came. I started to believe I had a say in how my life turned out.

Where I am now

My lowest days now aren't even as low as my highest days when I was depressed. I have higher highs and higher lows. I haven't had a suicidal thought in years. I still get negative thoughts, we all do, but I have the tools to handle them.

I have hope for the future. I know how to find joy in small moments. And I am grateful for the struggle because it made me who I am today. Most of all, I get to use what I have been through to help others climb out of their own darkness.

If you're struggling right now

I want you to hear this: you are not alone. No matter what that voice in your head says, you are not the only person feeling the way you do.

There is a way out and a way forward. I know it can seem impossible. I know it feels like you'll never enjoy life again. But there is hope, and you don't have to do it all at once or do it alone.

Focus on one step at a time. Maybe that's stopping one thing that's making you feel worse, and starting one thing that might make you feel a little better. Keep it so small it's almost impossible to fail at.

You can get through this. You can do it. You've got this.

Coaching is not a replacement for medical or mental health care. If you're struggling, please talk to your doctor or a licensed professional, and in the US call or text 988 any time.

And when the time comes, when you're ready to start building a new chapter, I would be honored to walk alongside you. Not to "fix" you, but to help you see the light you already carry.

Find your light. Shine your light. Be the light.